Don’t paint me evil...

How can I give credit to a sometimes-present entity when I had to go through some of those depressing nights alone, my walls screaming villainous shit. The only thing I had to turn to was self; how I built myself into the man I am now. Mind screaming fvck that dope shit, we’re here for the dough, shit! Pick up a book and shit, don’t get lost singing Psalms and shit, where’s that dude now? Fvck sharing credit. And all these innocent deaths are the olive branch that drowned the dove; I understand my suffering - I partially earned it, but some of these people I’ve seen hurting? If He even exists I’m convinced he’s a sadist.

And yeah I’ve turned down this path, but don’t paint me evil. I’m still kind. Because I’m trynna be to someone what I needed when I was in their position. And now I’m trynna be me for me: being there for me. I wouldn’t have ever let a troubled man believe in handing their problems to air. Why would I let you hold onto a fantasy in this tangible world? Where water comes out of taps and not from rocks. Where food can be purchased out of a Coles and you don’t have to wait for the improbable precipitation of manna. Where the magic is at your fingertips: all you have to do is do. I grew tired of waiting: waiting for a god to provide basic necessities, for a god to will for my mother to heal, to congeal and take the wheel. I realized I could drive my own destiny towards fortune. But lemme remind you how that’s going:

Look at you now, lying there plugged into Hillsong waiting for air to catch you. You got yourself in this rut, you gotta dig yourself out. Miracles don’t exist. Maybe luck does, but yours has run out. Where are we turning now? Your arrogance got us here. If you’d found new thrills mum would be thrilled right now. But you kept the cheap ones. And cheap is always expensive in the long run - now you’re 12ks behind and trynna catch up. The olive branch never drowned a dove, read your Bible the right way around kid. Arrogance never got you anywhere, when are you gonna listen? Turn to God, you don’t have to carry the burden alone. Cast it on Him. Start with one word if you’re shy. I know we haven’t strayed this far ever, so I’m learning at the same rate you are - we’ll get through it.